


Kiss Kiss Kick Some Ass

by Sorbus



Category: Yuri!!! on Ice (Anime)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Superheroes/Superpowers, Gen, Humor, Join Him as he fights shitty superheroes and bad luck, M/M, Yuuri Cannot Deal
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-03-05
Updated: 2017-04-21
Packaged: 2018-09-28 13:57:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,394
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10110530
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Sorbus/pseuds/Sorbus
Summary: In which there are powers, shitty villains and bad dialogue.





	1. Chapter 1

Yuuri didn’t mean to become a magical girl. Honest.

Though the term ‘magical girl’ was a bit inappropriate, considering what he does is hardly _magic_ , and people of all genders and ages can and have become one. It was just that Division of Super-Enhanced Government-Approved Combatant sounded a lot less interesting to the general public as opposed to ‘magical girl’ and saying DOS-EGAC, or ‘Dossy Gack’ sounded like absolute rubbish.

The point was, some people could manifest supernatural abilities. Sometimes they were harmless, like one of his classmates who could change colours and regularly got in trouble for coming into school with purple skin. Sometimes they were dangerous, like a Russian child they discovered who could give people frostbite with a single touch. Usually, the latter type were conscripted into the program or put under surveillance depending on their home country. Yuuri wasn’t really either of these.

“Don’t you run away– _gah!_ ”

Yuuri ran on even as his pursuer band fruitlessly upon the invisible wall confining him. His heart was beating like a rabbit’s, and it took a good five minutes for him to calm down. Faint protests from the man he left behind could still be heard, but it didn’t really matter. The barrier Yuuri left up would keep the man confined more than long enough for Yuuri to get away and the police to catch up.

Making invisible barriers was a good ability, but it could be left alone quite easily. It wasn’t overly flashy like creating fire or – god forbid, changing _gravity_ – but Yuuri was supposed to have a nice, normal life and ignore his tendency to sometimes defy physics.

Except nobody had mentioned his second ability was probably something as outrageous as ‘terrible luck’. That was the fifth time in a single month that Yuuri stumbled headfirst into a mugging and, without thinking, blocked off the would-be-criminal from their would-be-victim. It was only Yuuri’s ability acted up whenever he was nervous or startled and he had _anxiety_ of all things, so really, he should be surprised that he hadn’t run into any more trouble.

Though the fact that he just so _happened_ to be passing by when a heavy store sign decided to fall off its hinges, or be in the area when some weirdo decided to pull a knife in public for _no good reason_ was suspiciously unlucky. And as much as Yuuri would like to get on with his day, he couldn’t do _nothing_.

Ergo his supernatural abilities came out to play, and become he was trying to hide _goddamnit_ he would panic and run away as fast as possible, only to panic some more the next time something happened in case his ability acted up, which co-incidentally acted up _more_ when he was panicking so-

So Yuuri was just a mess of nerves most the time.

With a relieved sigh, Yuuri let his shoulders slump in relief as he reached his family home. He’d gotten away once more.

Legally, nobody could force him to join the GOS-EGAC just for having powers. In reality, most professions or employers didn’t want to deal with the trouble of having a Super-Enhanced ‘magical’ lying around and getting into trouble. Most people thought it wasn’t worth the effort, and rumour had it that if your power was useful enough _anyway_ , the International Confederation of Super-Enhanced Combatants (ICO-SEC) would slyly make it hard enough to get a job that most people didn’t bother trying otherwise. The paperwork just for being above Grace C was ridiculous, and Yuuri wouldn’t like to imagine the trouble someone had to go through if they were _Grade A_. Victor Nikiforov made it look so easy.

With a tired ‘ _I’m home_ ’, Yuuri slipped off his shoes and made his way towards the family living room. He was starving, and his mother’s food was the best way to cheer up after another incident with his ability. Yuuri’s stomach rumbled. He could already taste the Katsudon.

“Good evening, Mama.”

“Yuuri!” His mother greeted, always so enthusiastic. It put a smile on the young man’s face. “There’s somebody to see you! He’s in the living room.”

Someone to see him? Yuuri frowned. He didn’t remember inviting anyone over.

His mother bustled away, happily muttering to herself, “a foreigner, to see our Yuuri. How exciting!”

A… foreigner?

Mood steadily plummeting, Yuuri rushed to the living room. An ominous feeling of dread threatened to make itself known. There was no reason for anyone to visit him unless it was about–

Yuuri burst through the doors, trying to frantically catch his breath even as he paled at the sight of two very stern, government workers sitting at his family table.

“Katsuki Yuuri?” One of them said, holding up a badge. “We’re from the International Confederation of Super-Enhanced Combatants. We’d like to talk to you.”

– his powers.

Yuuri went white, already panicking. He could feel himself his nerves get out of control, and his powers starting to act up and it was all so overwhelming and he didn’t know what to _do_ so–

All the glass in the room shattered.  


	2. Chapter 2

“Drop it, losers!”

Another explosion went off. Which was rated pretty high in the ‘flair for dramatics’ checklist on the Nikiforov scale of villainy, but otherwise was very, very bad.

“I said piss off!” The villain, who henceforth shall be named perp one-oh-six in the confines of Victor’s mind, did not have the same sort of flair for words. Minus points.

An old lady screamed nearby, and Victor didn’t even have time to dramatically announce his presence before he saw part of a building fall towards a defenceless, innocent bystander. With one arm raised, he was already prepared to reverse the gravitational pull, frown face on for the effort, but the debris hit a solid invisible block, and Victor glanced back to see Yuuri already with his arm raised.

“Go on, you deal with the guy and I’ll look after things here.”

With a nod, Victor went to do that. Smile growing on his face.

Some indescribable feeling welled up inside him, but it definitely was pleasant. Someone had his back. Maybe his decision hadn’t been such a bad one after all.

– x –

_All the glass in the room shattered_.

Yuuri gasped, stumbling back even as he hurriedly raised his arms as some sort of shield against the oncoming glass up ahead of him.

_Please powers, work!_

Alas, his panic was too great and no barrier appeared. Yuuri was gearing up for the pain of shards of glass to pierce his skin or he shouts of the two other people in the room – and _oh_ it was horrible but Yuuri was glad at least his mother hadn’t stayed to make them welcome, only –

Only there were no shouts or screams, and Yuuri couldn’t feel a thing.

Hesitantly, he lowered his arms and looked around. His eyes widened, and Yuuri couldn’t stop his mouth parting in surprise as every shard of glass was just _floating around_. He hadn’t done this, had he? But no, Yuuri was well aware what his powers were, and even more, what it felt like to use them. No, this looked suspiciously familiar, in all honestly.

“Greetings, citizen!”

_Oh, oh dear god._

“Never fear–” a small flask rolled in, emitting a pale pink smoke all the while. “For _I_ am here!”

And who else to jump out, but Victor Nikiforfov himself. Yuuri would have fainted, but he had already refrained from doing so once that day, so his system was pleasantly numb with shock and thus non-responsive.

Yurri managed to squeak, instead. Just the once.

– x –

There had been precious few cases where Victor could focus solely on capturing the criminal. Most of those happened early on his career as a ‘superhero’, when the crimes were a little less dangerous and people still ran away instead of crowding around to see the great Nikiforov in action.

With Yuuri holding down the fort, however, he could do it. He didn’t have to worry that his power wasn’t suitable for some environments, or strain himself with multiple gravitational focuses instead.

And it was _exhilarating_.

Victor easily homed in on the perp, who was standing quite obviously on top of the bank he was robbing, gun in hand. He couldn’t have been more obvious about it without shouting it out to the world – which, oh, right, he was. Gun waving, hand pointed towards the police who had showed up. It was a wonder why someone who could cause explosions even bothered to bring a gun.

Aesthetics, maybe?

Either way, it was easy to set up two points of gravity. One on the perp to lock him in place – not to strong as not to collapse his inner organs, which, having done once in his life by accident, Victor could say was _not_ a pretty sight – and another very small one in the barrel of the gun. Victor could spy the mental bending and closing up in the middle, because better safe than sorry, right?

Only the perp could still move, somewhat, and a very awkward arm fling later – and boy it looked painful, something was definitely fractured under pressure – one of the police men’s guns blew up his hands.

Victor faltered. Shock and dread immediately wared inside him, because it was too late – he wasn’t going to make it.

– x –

_Yuuri managed to squeak. Just the once_

“Now, I’m sure you must have much to say, Mr. Katsuki–” Government suit one started.

“But as we all have just been shown, you show exceptional power.” His partner finished. Suit one and two were scarily in tune, despite their fair physical differences. Somehow that made their identical outfits, expressions and tone all the more frightening.

“Yes, yes.” Victor clapped. Yuuri jumped a little. “Could you actually put up some barriers around us? I’d like to get rid of this glass.”

Yuuri nodded, still not up for speaking – which meant questions and then answers and then dealing with the fact that Victor Nikiforov was in his _sitting room_ – and put up four separate shields around each person. He nodded again, and Victor looked as if he wanted to say something, but instead shrugged at pointed at a spot near the ceiling. Faster than Yuuri would have thought, all the glass in the sped towards it. The shards scraped the sides of the barriers, and both agents flinched, but none got through. By the end, there was a slightly misshapen, spherical glass globe in the middle of the room. It slowly floated towards Victor’s open hand.

“Neat. Souvenir.”

“Performed highly complex, multiple level special manipulation on demand.” Suit two started this time.

“Remarkable.”

Yuuri really wished he could go hide somewhere. Right that moment, please.

“Yes, perfect! We will make a great team!” Victor pumped a fist in the air, and Yuuri finally managed to snap out of it.

“Wait, what? _Team_? I’m not even registered with you guys!”

“It says here you aren’t registered at all.” Suit – you know what, Yuuri didn’t care which suit this was. As per trend, his partner had a follow up.

“Which is illegal, as you may know. From what we’ve seen so far, you’re at least _B_ grade, if not A. Do you know the fines for an average enhanced would get? Anyone C or above, unregistered and using their powers without licence, well. That’s some serious time, isn’t it?”

Yuuri paled. He wouldn’t have been able to afford the normal fines, never mind the larger fines, lawyer fees for a court case, prison bail, time, or effort involved in the whole mess. It would utterly ruin his family, both financially, and socially when people found out they’d been harbouring an unregistered. Nobody avoided registering unless they were criminals.

“No need to worry!” Victor smiled, waving his hand as if waving away the sudden tense atmosphere. “After all, you’re here to join us, right?” His smile turned the tiniest bit sharper. “And there’s no way the Confederation would arrest one of their own. _Right?_ ”

Yuuri, in all his twenty-three years of life, would never have guessed that upon meeting his hero for the first time ever, said hero would be blackmailing him. He was at a loss for words, because really, they had backed him into a corner there, and they bloody well knew it.

Luckily, he didn’t have to come up with any sort of response, because right at that moment, an explosion decided to go off from just outside. Smoke was rising a few streets away, and could be seen through the glassless hole in the wall.

“Oh well.” Victor grinned, grabbing Yuuri by the arm. “Duty calls!”

– x –

– _he wasn’t going to make it_ , and he wouldn’t have, but a small, invisible wall suddenly stood in the way of the police man having his eyes gouged out by tiny little shards. Victor sighed in relief.

“Victor, take him out!”

With a nod, Victor went back to the perp, who had blown off part of the roof he was standing on in Victor’s distraction and crawling towards to hole to disappear into the building below. Feeling a lot more vindictive, Victor made a strong focus in the middle of the air, and watched in satisfaction and the criminal flew towards it and was suspended. Two more, equally attracted forces sprung into existence nearby to trap him between the three, and the criminal was stretched taunt. Unable to move, and unable to cause any more explosions.

When they finally got some power-dampening cuffs on the guy, Victor was relieved it was all over. Maybe not the best first impression for the new guy, but at least Victor was satisfied.

– x –

 

_Maybe his decision hadn’t been such a bad one after all._

“Are you sure about this, Vitya?” Yakov asked, leaning in close. “He’s just some no-name from a small part of Japan.”

“I’m sure,” Victor responded absentmindedly, eyes glued to the screen. Old surveillance footage was being shown. A slightly younger Yuuri Katsuki has just finished saving a young child from an out of control car. He was smiling, ever-so-slightly, while lifting the scared child up onto his shoulders, talking all the while. Victor couldn’t hear what he was saying, but it must’ve been good because the child managed a small, watery smile.

“He’s absolutely exactly what I need in a partner.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> so it's 3, almost 4am and very obvious i cant't write action for my life but what the heck. time changes to make it exciting when it really isn't instead. great.


End file.
